(I’m just gotten out of the bath. I am leaning over the bed, petting one of our pets. I am not wearing anything. My boyfriend is in the living room, talking on his phone to someone from work. He walks in and sees me. He is an avid sailor.)

Boyfriend: “You have such good lines.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “Like a boat. You have good lines like a sailboat. I want to put my mast in you.”

Me: “Drop anchor!”

(Coffee Shop | Virginia, USA)

(I work in a Coffee Shop. I was on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)

Me: “Oh my God! It’s BATMAN!”

(The boy stops, strikes a pose and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)

Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”

Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”

(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)

Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”

(Tech Support | Missouri, USA)

Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP]. I’m [name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “There’s no light in my castle!”

Me: *confused* “Uh…tell me a little more about the problem. Can you reach any websites?”

Customer: “No! How can I get to a website with no light in my castle?!”

Me: *still confused* “Could you explain…a little further?”

Customer: *becoming irate* “I’ve poked its belly button a bunch of times, but there’s no light in my castle!”

Me: *epiphany* “Oh! The power light on your desktop tower is not lit?”

Customer: “Tower, castle, whatever! How am I supposed to know all this technical stuff?!”

(Tech Support | Colorado, USA)

(I’m the IT manager at my work. I’ve just created a user account for our HR manager.)

Me: “So, the username is [username] and the password is just 1234.”

Caller: “1234? That’s it?”

Me: “We try to keep it simple.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *hangs up*

(About a minute later, he calls back.)

Caller: “It that capitalized?”

(Tech Support | Colorado, USA)

(I’m the IT manager at my work. I’ve just created a user account for our HR manager.)

Me: “So, the username is [username] and the password is just 1234.”

Caller: “1234? That’s it?”

Me: “We try to keep it simple.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *hangs up*

(About a minute later, he calls back.)

Caller: “It that capitalized?”

Customer: “Do you sell MP3s?”

Me: “MP3 players, sir?”

Customer: “No, no, no. I want to buy MP3s.”

Me: “You can buy MP3s from our website’s digital store. It’s really easy. However, we don’t sell MP3s in store, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “So, you don’t sell MP3s in store? Why?”

Me: “You can’t hold an MP3, sir.”

Customer: “Do you sell MP3s?”

Me: “MP3 players, sir?”

Customer: “No, no, no. I want to buy MP3s.”

Me: “You can buy MP3s from our website’s digital store. It’s really easy. However, we don’t sell MP3s in store, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “So, you don’t sell MP3s in store? Why?”

Me: “You can’t hold an MP3, sir.”

(Electronics Store | Henderson, NV, USA)

Customer: “I need a new laptop. I want one better than the one I have. I want to spend no more than 600 dollars.”

(After finding out that he has a machine running Windows 98 with 512 MB of ram and 60 GB of hard drive space, I provide him several different laptop choices within his price range. They have either 3GB or 4GB of RAM, running Windows 7.)

Customer: “No, no, no! I said better! I have 512 memory, but you keep recommending only 3 and 4! Also, 7 is way lower than 98! Get me someone who knows what I mean by better!”

(Electronics Store | Henderson, NV, USA)

Customer: “I need a new laptop. I want one better than the one I have. I want to spend no more than 600 dollars.”

(After finding out that he has a machine running Windows 98 with 512 MB of ram and 60 GB of hard drive space, I provide him several different laptop choices within his price range. They have either 3GB or 4GB of RAM, running Windows 7.)

Customer: “No, no, no! I said better! I have 512 memory, but you keep recommending only 3 and 4! Also, 7 is way lower than 98! Get me someone who knows what I mean by better!”

www.notalwaysright.com FTW!!!

(Cellphone Store | Eau Claire, WI, USA)

(I work in a cell phone store. From time to time, we have to fix phones for people. Today, an elderly woman is asking me to look at her phone.)

Customer: “There is something wrong with my phone. Could you fix it for me?”

Me: “Sure, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “Well, it won’t make any phone calls.”

Me: “No problem. Can I see your phone for a moment?”

(The customer digs through her purse, pulls out a calculator, and hands it to me.)

Customer: “See, I punch in a phone number and nothing happens.”

Me: “Erm, did you grab this by mistake? This is a calculator, not a cell phone.” *hands back the calculator*

(The customer takes the calculator back, looks at it, then looks at me blankly before walking away.)

www.notalwaysright.com FTW!!!

(Cellphone Store | Eau Claire, WI, USA)

(I work in a cell phone store. From time to time, we have to fix phones for people. Today, an elderly woman is asking me to look at her phone.)

Customer: “There is something wrong with my phone. Could you fix it for me?”

Me: “Sure, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “Well, it won’t make any phone calls.”

Me: “No problem. Can I see your phone for a moment?”

(The customer digs through her purse, pulls out a calculator, and hands it to me.)

Customer: “See, I punch in a phone number and nothing happens.”

Me: “Erm, did you grab this by mistake? This is a calculator, not a cell phone.” *hands back the calculator*

(The customer takes the calculator back, looks at it, then looks at me blankly before walking away.)

(Tutor | California, USA)

(Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

(The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

(I gesture to the mouse.)

Student: “Oh, okay.”

(He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

(I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

(Tutor | California, USA)

(Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

(The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

(I gesture to the mouse.)

Student: “Oh, okay.”

(He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

(I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

(Tech Support | Little Rock, AR, USA)

Teacher: “I can’t log in. I am using the username our IT guys set up for us.”

Me: “What username are you using?”

Teacher: “First_Lastname.”

Me: “So what is your first and last name?”

Teacher: “Oh…am I supposed to enter my real first and last name separated by an underscore?”

Me: “As opposed to what?”

Teacher: “As opposed to typing ‘First_Lastname’?”